Signs of Toxic Relationships and How to Break Free

Identifying Toxic Relationships and Knowing When to Leave

Relationships can be fantastic when they are healthy, but unfortunately we are seeing a trend where over half of long term relationships today are toxic. Sometimes people carry unhealed wounds from their past that continue to project pain. Sometimes the problems stem from the fact that the relationship was entered into before one or both of the individuals loved and accepted themselves. As a relationship coach, I believe it all begins with awareness. Then, we must love and accept ourselves before we can love and be fully loved by another. No one is going to complete us or be our other half. Happiness is an inside job. However, A relationship is intended to help us grow into the best version of ourselves. The person we choose to spend our life with should be someone who allows us to make mistakes, who forgives us when we mess up because we will, and who accepts us the way we are. They should make us feel safe as we continue to learn, respect and encourage us to keep expanding, and love us free from expectations. They should be our biggest cheerleader and our most gentle critic. Likewise, it should be a symbiotic relationship where we do the same for our partner with equal respect and enthusiasm. We should never put our partner down, especially in front of others and ditch the bickering.

Unfortunately, many people, both men and women, enter a relationship with the best intentions and then a few months down the road realize the relationship has changed and does not feel good any longer, but instead of leaving stay in a toxic relationship. In 2020, according to mentalhelp.net, 87% of men and women have experienced an emotionally abusive relationship. Identifying a toxic relationship can be difficult because the emotionally abusive person often uses gaslighting which makes the abused partner literally feel crazy. Sometimes it is more subtle like isolation or just nothing getting resolved in arguments. As a coach, I have heard women say they finally had the courage to leave a toxic relationship only to have people shame or blame them for being the one to break up the marriage. Little did people understand the silent abuse she had taken for years. So even if you are reading this and you are in a healthy relationship, please educate yourself and know the signs of a toxic relationship so that you can be an advocate for your friends. 

13 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

1. Feels bad all the time

2. You avoid voicing your opinion because there is just no point

3. Effort is one sided

4. One person is “score keeper”

5. Physical, verbal, or emotional abuse

6. Passive aggressive behavior

7. Manipulation

8. Overly judgmental

9. Nothing gets resolved

10. Lack of privacy

11. Lack of respect for boundaries

12. Lies, deceit, lack of trust

13. Isolation

Before you think of leaving a toxic relationship it is very important to rebuild your self confidence. Most likely your partner has, on some level, broken you down, but YOU are not broken. Therapy, counseling, or coaching are very helpful in rebuilding your self esteem. Next, I strongly encourage a good support system of friends and or family. This can even be in the form of a support group on Facebook of other people who have been through a similar relationship. Support and connection are critical in overcoming toxic relationships and helping find strength in times of weakness. Then, prioritize yourself. You have probably been a people pleaser or self sacrificing. Get to know yourself. Spend time doing things you enjoy. Do not allow yourself to get drained. Then once you feel your energy start to rise, start asking yourself what stories keep repeating in your relationships? Then ask yourself what choices you are making that are contributing. This way you begin to take responsibility and you take your power back. You will begin to see how you will make different choices in the future to break the cycle. Next, it will be important to forgive your partner. This may be difficult and it may take time. You do not even need to voice the forgiveness to your partner, just give the gift of forgiveness to yourself so that you are free to move forward. Do not rush this step. Sometimes journalling helps. Until you are able to forgive, you will carry this into a future relationship though and the cycle of toxicity will continue. So, forgiveness is crucial. Harboring a grudge will only harm you. 

Setting boundaries will protect you from being walked on by friends, family and in future relationships. Do not hesitate to set and keep firm boundaries. If someone does not respect your boundaries that is a sure sign they do not respect you. Next, do an inventory of what personal values are important to you. This will help prioritize what you want in life. And finally, Get clarity on what you really want. I want you to visualize every detail and dream really big. That beautiful clear picture is what you deserve. 

How to Break Free From Toxic Relationships

• Establish a strong support group 

• Stop Self Sacrificing

• Rebuild your self esteem and confidence

• Prioritize your self

• Take responsibility

• Forgive the past to make room for the future

• Set boundaries

• Do an inventory of personal values

• Get clarity on what you really want in life 

Some relationships can be saved and corrected with coaching or therapy and effort. But please know that not all relationships work out. No matter how much you love the person, if the relationship is extremely toxic, or if the if the other person is emotionally unavailable or abusive in any way, you cannot make the relationship healthy. It is ok to do what is best for yourself. Reclaim your life. In some cases you will not get the closure you may need. You may need to block that person completely and give yourself closure. Proceed slowly, forgive yourself, forgive your partner, and take the time you need to heal. 

Love and hugs,

Libby

P.S. I would love to hear from you in the comments. I welcome your personal stories as well as your input. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. Wishing you love and light!

Improving Mental and Emotional Well Being During Covid 19

Coping with Heavy Emotions During Covid 

As humans we have an intrinsic need for connection and acceptance. Beyond our basic needs of food, water, and safety Maslow categorized belongingness and love as the third most important level on the hierarchy of needs. Covid has been a trying time for all of us with social isolation, home schooling in many cases- and moms doubling as “teachers”, working from home, and new ways of life. There has been a rise of depression and mental illness as well as an increase in violence. Before the outbreak of Corona Virus, in 2018 Cigna did a National survey that showed “ loneliness levels had reached an all time high, with nearly 20,000 U.S. adults reporting they sometimes or always feel alone.” Imagine what those numbers must be now. We, as a society, are suffering not only the physical effects of covid, but we will see long term impacts from mental and emotional instability as well. 

According to Meta-analysis co-author Julianne Holt-Lundstad, PHD, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at BrighamYoung University, “ Lack of social connection heightens health risks as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day or heavy alcohol use disorder. She has also found loneliness and social isolation are twice as harmful to physical and mental health as obesity. ( Perspectives on Psychological Science, Vol 10, No. 2, 2015) On the plus side, there are things that we can do to help improve our mental and emotional well being. 

These are all great ways to cope with and reduce stress and regulate emotions as well as vision boards, journaling, and anything positive you find that works for you.

Six Ways to Improve Mental & Emotional Well Being

1. Take care of your emotional health * (see list of ways below)

2. Take Care of your Physical Health ( eat well, move often, sleep well, avoid caffeine and alcohol)

3. Connect with others: despite social isolation we can still stay connected via FaceTime, phone calls, video chats, zoom calls, and outdoor visits with social distancing

4. Take time to unwind, try new hobby and activities, and incorporate relaxation techniques like meditation or yoga

5. Avoid too much exposure to the news. Stay informed and educated without letting it become upsetting.

6. Seek help when needed from a coach, therapist, clergy member, doctor, or contact SAMHSA helpline 1-800-985-5990 ( Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Disaster Distress Hotline)

We hear more about caring for our physical bodies, which is super important, but very few of us are taught how to process and regulate our emotions. We are taught how to think in school, but our emotions often get overlooked, and we are not taught how to feel or how to express our feelings constructively. So as a result we are seeing more depression, more suicide, higher rates of alcohol and drug abuse, more domestic violence and higher rates of gun violence. Beneath every behavior there is a feeling, and beneath every feeling, is an innate need. When we can identify that innate need we can find solutions and begin to heal rather than create more pain and destruction. 

Yoga taught me to truly find connection between my body, mind and soul. It was time in between each posture when I would feel my own body and tune into my inner child. I gained awareness on the mat that eventually followed me off the mat and into my daily life. Yoga is more than a physical practice for me. “Yoga is the journey of the self, through the self to the self,” -the Bhagavad Gita. For me it is the perfect way to improve both the physical, mental, and emotional well being all at the same time. I understand that not everyone chooses to practice yoga, so I am offering other alternatives to help improve mental and emotional well being in todays blog. 

Ways to improve Emotional Well Being

• Be aware of your emotions and reactions to them. Allow others to feel they way they feel by being an active listener free from judgement.

• Express your feelings constructively and try to observe free from judgement.

• Practice the pause, breathe, and then think before responding rather than reacting harshly.

• Manage your stress by practicing self care and prioritizing what needs to be done. Say no when necessary.

• Take care of your physical health by sleeping well, eating well, and moving your body.

• Stay connected with friends and family.

• Find and follow your purpose. Having a sense of purpose adds meaning to our lives and we are far less likely to numb out and far more likely to succeed. 

• Practice gratitude. Not everyday is good but there is something good in every day. 

You can meditate on the floor, in a chair, sitting up, or laying down. Just begin by sitting comfortably, closing your eyes and connecting with your breath. Breathing in through your nose and out through your nose. Begin to let go of all the busy thoughts of the day and week. If any thoughts pop into mind, it’s ok acknowledge them and set them aside for later, return your concentration back to your breath. Relax your shoulders. feel your breath begin to naturally slow. It may take practice like all things in life, but it is worth it. There are many types of meditation, so do some research and find the style that resonates with you. ( Image is Libby’s corporate class in Pittsburg, Pa.)

Great Britain and Australia are both being incredibly proactive and deserve a round of applause for the work they are doing to move the mental health system away from being crisis driven and actively toward prevention, early intervention and care in the community. I have become Instagram friends with wonderful people all over the world, another great way to connect, and it is truly inspiring to hear about the global movement to improve mental well-being! I was especially impressed with and would like to offer a shout out to my friends at euda.co for their work in Corporate Wellbeing. They offer a platform unlike anything I have seen before where they offer employees access to free online guided meditations as well as access to a personal wellness consulting. There are also guided meditation apps like Headspace, Insight Timer, and Calm that are available to the general public. Deepak Chopra, in his book Perfect Health says,  with just a few minutes of meditation a day, “There were 87% fewer admissions to hospitals for heart disease were seen and 55% fewer admissions for benign and malignant tumors of all types. No one has seen reductions like this with use of conventional prevention techniques.” So get connected on social media, as well as locally, broaden your mindset, try meditation, and work to prioritize your mental and emotional well being. 

Finally I will offer my personal philosophy to you that I developed through my yoga practice which is awareness, acceptance, and forgiveness first of ourselves and then of others. When we live in this way we surrender control and remember that when we live in alignment with our authentic life everything will just feel right. The stress will naturally fade away because you will care less about the opinions of others and more about what feels right in your body, mind, and soul. You will begin to let go of those who no longer serve you and you will attract those who support your highest well being. I hope this awakens, inspires, and empowers you to live the life you love. You were born to be joyful and you have a unique gift to share with this world. Let no one dim your light, even in these dark trying times. 

Peace, Light, & Love,

Libby

How to Resolve Conflict

In Conflict Remember Each Person is Human

When we experience conflict our ego inflates as a protection mechanism. The ego wants us to be “right” or win the argument. However how can both people ultimately win? It is important to practice the pause when conflict arises. When we are faced with conflict our fight or flight response is triggered and we often say and do things we do not mean because the brain is not functioning logically. After much conflict in my own life and personally shifting to a better place I would like to share my conflict resolution plan with you. 

Conflict causes stress and anxiety which lead to illness and days off work. Conflicts are inevitable in life, but use these tools to help deflate each conflict you come across. Life is about giving and taking and finding balance. Stand up for yourself and set boundaries, but also consider the other persons concerns. Be sure you listen and know that you do not have to solve every problem. Sometimes people just need to be heard.

1. Realize that both people have fears and vulnerabilities

2. Ask yourself if what you are arguing about will matter five years from now

3. Consider taking a time out that is positively expressed so that you can both gather your thoughts

4. Be aware of your tone and body language

5. Choose your battles wisely

6. Eliminate the words ALWAYS and NEVER from your vocabulary

Realize You Both Have Fears and Vulnerabilities

When you are in a conflict but can see yourself in the other person it makes it difficult to be harsh or mean. Determine if your relationship is worth upsetting that person for. Remember, when you argue, the goal you wish to achieve. I know when my boyfriend and I argue it often is not a productive conversation but rather a lot of blaming and projecting. Once we gained awareness of this, we often pause now and reflect about what it is we actually want to achieve. Then it is easier to speak more gently and resolve the conflict.

Ask Yourself if What You are Arguing About Will Matter in Five Years

If it won’t matter in five years do not spend even five minutes arguing about it. Learning to let go and move forward is a blessing. If it is something important that will matter in five years then take the time to compose your thoughts and be sure to separate emotion from thought.

Consider Taking A Time Out

Telling the person you are in conflict with that you need a time out allows both people to calm down. Walking away and giving the silent treatment with out expressing the need for a time out leaves the other person feeling stonewalled or abandoned which leads to increased anxiety. Consider composing your thoughts in letter format and reading it several times before exchanging the letter. Often when we write our thoughts down they become more clear. And remember, say what you mean and mean what you say. Words can be forgiven but rarely are they forgotten.

Be Aware of Your Tone and Body Language

When we speak softly and avoid yelling we can ease anxiety for both people. We are naturally more capable of listening when we are not being yelled at. You do not need to raise your voice to convey your concerns in fact it is always better not to. When we do not feel heard it is natural for the voice to elevate. Let the person know that you hear them even if you do not agree or understand. Closed fists and crossed arms tend to signal being closed minded. Put the person at ease by relaxing your arms, shoulders and hands.

Choose Your Battles Wisely

This was sage advice my mom often said when I was growing up. I use it a-lot as a parent now as well. When something is very important that may be something worth fighting for set and keep your boundaries. For example; when raising my children I would put them in time out when they were disrespectful. Teaching them respect was very important to me. If my children broke something we would talk about being more careful but I did not put them in time out because that was a mistake and mistakes are how we learn.

Eliminate the Words ALWAYS and NEVER

Those of you who know me know that I am a firm believer in moderation. The words always and never are not only extreme, but they are downright impossible. In conflict these two words are used far too often. Eliminate them from your vocabulary and watch the tension decrease in conflict. Also, try to use “I statements” and this will reduce the feelings of blame and shame.

Peace, Light, & Love,

Libby

P.S. Please email me at Libby@journeytothelifeyoulove.com for Life & Wellness Coaching. Sessions can be done by video conference, in person or via telephone. For more information on why a coach will help you please click this link http://www.journeytothelifeyoulove.com

How to get Motivated by Positive Influencers

There are many different ways to become motivated and inspired and yet many of us stay stuck and are hopeless.

I recently attended Bunbury Music Festival in Cincinnati, Ohio. I knew of several musicians I wanted to hear and also discovered some new bands. One in particular stood out to me. Her name was Lauren Sanderson. Her music is catchy, but her lyrics are incredibly inspiring. She talks and sings openly about overcoming anxiety which so many of us can relate to. Lauren offered to meet her fans next to the stage after the concert. I can say after spending just a few minutes with her ( and yes I was one of the oldest fans lol) she is absolutely so beautiful inside and out. One of the things that makes Lauren so inspiring is her authenticity.

Lauren laughed when I asked her to try a yoga pose with me. So much fun to connect with like minded people!

Why do we look to influencers on social media?
We look to those with huge followings because they know their purpose and they know how to connect with us and energize us! Lauren Sanderson knew her purpose at a young age despite overcoming huge challenges like telling her family she is gay. Soon after high school graduation, and after sharing you tube videos, she began speaking. She received countless letters from desperate teens thanking her for sharing her story. She gave an amazing TEDx Talk, titled, For God’s Sake Just Love Them, where she inspired parents to tell their kids they love them, they are proud of them, and to validate their kids. She went on to say, if you have messed up its ok. It is ok to tell them NOW. Did you receive this kind of family support growing up? Fortunately, I did, but most people I talk to did not. I was struggling in my marriage and my ex finally shared with me that his parents had never told him they were proud of him and up until his college graduation he did not recall them telling him they loved him. I have similar stories with many other friends and I can tell you it affects our relationships vastly. Lauren went on to spread her positive messages through music in order to make a bigger impact.

Accept What’s in Your Past but Focus on the Future and Where You Want to Go.

No matter how you were raised take your life in your own hands. We all have a certain level of anxiety and we all have bad days. It’s ok to be confused, lost and down, just don’t stay there. You do not have to settle for a job, you do not have to tolerate being talked to negatively, and you are never alone. Allow yourself to feel every emotion that arises and then sit with it. See if you can observe how you can improve that feeling. Listen to inspiring lyrics or watch a You Tube video by a positive influencer, like Jay Shetty. Most of all have the courage to be YOU. Live authentically and if you do not feel accepted keep looking for your tribe. There are many kind, accepting, compassionate people to connect with. If you feel lost or stuck try looking at the situation from a different perspective. If you do not know your purpose just try to do things you love and are passionate about and consider trying new things and meeting new people. 

I can tell you that at 43 years old I have had times in my life where I felt lost and even trapped. I wanted to give up, but deep down I always had hope that better days were coming. My very greatest desire and my fear were interwoven. I wanted to find true love, you know, the kind you see in movies. But I feared losing that person and being alone. I married young and enjoyed many years with my ex and we created two beautiful children, but I always knew he was not my one, my person. I had to let go of my fear of being alone to achieve my dream of true love. It is not an easy garden to till and no one is perfect. You have to constantly pull the weeds, fertilize and nourish the garden of love. But, I can tell you without any doubts or regrets the love that I have in my life now is most beautiful and worth every bit of effort and vulnerability. I finally feel accepted and understood. So, while I do not advocate divorce or running away from any commitment, I do believe we all deserve to be accepted, heard, understood, and loved. 

Your life partner should always have your back and you will shine with that person.

”Happiness is not a Destination, It Comes & Goes” ~ Lyrics from Lauren Sanderson’s, Oceans

So observe the voice in your head and question the self talk. Ask yourself who you are. I am not Libby Shively McAvoy, thats just my name. I am not just a mom, a daughter, or a sister. I am not just a yoga instructor. I am a courageous, inspired woman, I am enough, I am still growing, I am healthy, I am love. I would urge you to reach out to me. Get a piece of paper and write me about whats going on in your life. Let’s connect. Direct message me on fb or instagram. I am not here to give advice. I want to listen and I want you to know you are being heard. You deserve to be happy.

Dream Really Really Big,

Libby

P.S. If you enjoyed this blog please click the heart and share it with friends and family. I sincerely hope to hear from every single one of you either in snail mail or direct message. You can also comment below. I will be announcing stress less workshops soon so please stay tuned.

8 Tools for Turning Obstacles into Opportunities

Looking at Obstacles as Gifts

Facing life’s obstacles usually surfaces negative emotions such as fear, worry, disappointment and shame. But, when we let go of attachment to outcome and accept each situation as it is it is easier to digest. What if you looked at each obstacle as a gift rather than a set back? There is a Chinese Proverb that states, “ In every crisis, there is opportunity.” One of our greatest gifts is the ability to look at obstacles as a chance to see or do things we may have otherwise missed. They may in fact lead us to our true purpose and put us on a far better path. So whether you are struggling with a relationship, a job, finding your purpose in life, struggling financially or anything else please use the following tools and never give up. Something better is always around the corner.

8 Tools for Turning Obstacles into Opportunities

1. Practice the Pause Any time you feel you have been thrown off course practice the pause. Stop what you are doing, close your eyes if possible, and take several long inhales and exhales through your nose. Feel your shoulders come down away from your ears. Now, examine the road block from all angels. After practicing the pause we are better equipped to see things from multiple perspectives rather than a place of ego reactivity.

2. Examine the Emotion Allow yourself to feel any and all emotion that may surface when an obstacle is put in front of you. Try to observe your feeling and then go deeper into the why. What is the root of the emotion. If you are angry it is because anger or fear is within you but why? Once you understand the root cause you can begin to heal. Expectation is often the root of heartache. Try to see things how they really are rather than how you perceive them to be. 

3. Accept the Situation as it is Forget about how you thought things were supposed to be and accept them for what they are. When we face road closures we naturally find an alternative route; often following the detour signs in front of us. Well, what if we follow the signs of the universe and surrender to what is. Better things are on the way.

4. Forgive Yourself We are naturally our biggest critic. When we face obstacles in life it is not a failure, but instead a learning opportunity. As long as we learn from our mistakes and try not to repeat them we will grow into better versions of ourselves. Forgive yourself and then eventually forgive others who may have been involved. Holding grudges gets us no where. 

5. Allow the Process Stay present and remove the mental blockages in front of you that are keeping you stuck. When you trust yourself fully you will be able to take whatever you fear or dislike that is invisibly in front of you and put it behind you. Yes, it is all still there but now you are able to move forward rather than feeling like you are walking into a brick wall. For example if you are in a relationship where trust has been broken, and both people are trying to mend the relationship, the imagined obstacle in front of you is the pattern being repeated. There is always that chance, but if we move that behind us, we are able to move forward with positive momentum. If the pattern repeats itself then you must trust yourself enough to walk away. 

6. Continue Forward Momentum Never give up on your dreams or your passions. Obstacles may set us back or redirect that so that we find our higher purpose. Look for a positive outcome. Staying stuck in a deep pothole will not help. Yes, it is ok to cry or throw a short pity party, but then pick yourself up by your bootstraps and continue forward. Life is a journey with no particular destination except to reach the best possible version of yourself, the Divine within, or ultimate enlightenment. It does not matter how we get there or how many set backs we face as long as we persevere. It takes great courage to forge into the unknown but with that courage comes great results.

7. Give Back Consider getting involved with something or someone whose purpose is far greater than yours. Being a part of a greater collective raises positive energy. We have all heard of the saying Give and You Shall Receive, well when speaking the language of the universe when we give our time and or efforts to help others karma will return those well wishes to us in the way we desire. 

8. Let Go of External Validation I learned through my Yoga Teacher Training that the answers we seek are already within us. And, through life's experiences I can tell you with great certainty this is the truth. People love to offer you advice, but they rarely follow what it is they advise. Often our self esteem and vibration are lowered by the advice or opinions of people we love and respect because we do not like to disappoint. We are naturally programmed to please others when in reality if we would simply please ourselves others would be drawn to our authenticity. You do not need approval from anyone. Simply say and do things that bring yourself and those around you happiness. 

If you are looking for more inspiration watch this!

We Were Each Born with a Unique Purpose

When I taught yoga for Avon they shared their beautiful philosophy with me that everyone has a unique story. We were each born with unique passions, talents, and traits. Life may take us down a winding road and we may hit some bumps along the way, but share your story with the world. Overcoming obstacles allows us to move forward from the victim stage and take back our power that is always within. Stand up for yourself, be your own advocate. Life may be difficult at times and there may be bad days, but there is always something good in each day. Look for the tiny miracles occurring all around you and find comfort knowing you were created not to survive, but to thrive. Live the life you love and love the life you live. Also, get comfortable with your discomforts because again, that is the catalyst for growth. Each day, each choice we make, can put us one step closer to the life we desire. Remember, you are the author of your story. If you do not like how things are going yell, “plot twist,” and write a new chapter. Add or erase characters and write your own happy ending. 

With Passion & Perseverance,

Libby

P. S. If you enjoyed this blog please scroll down under the tags and hit the heart to share some love. I believe in you and appreciate you being a part of this positive community. If you have insights for how you have personally overcome obstacles please comment below. Stay tunes for a new blog each Monday. Next week I will be offering stretches to relieve low back pain! Also, please sign up on the website to receive our newsletter~if you cannot find the sign up button write me on the contact form and I will take care of you!