Identifying Toxic Relationships and Knowing When to Leave
Relationships can be fantastic when they are healthy, but unfortunately we are seeing a trend where over half of long term relationships today are toxic. Sometimes people carry unhealed wounds from their past that continue to project pain. Sometimes the problems stem from the fact that the relationship was entered into before one or both of the individuals loved and accepted themselves. As a relationship coach, I believe it all begins with awareness. Then, we must love and accept ourselves before we can love and be fully loved by another. No one is going to complete us or be our other half. Happiness is an inside job. However, A relationship is intended to help us grow into the best version of ourselves. The person we choose to spend our life with should be someone who allows us to make mistakes, who forgives us when we mess up because we will, and who accepts us the way we are. They should make us feel safe as we continue to learn, respect and encourage us to keep expanding, and love us free from expectations. They should be our biggest cheerleader and our most gentle critic. Likewise, it should be a symbiotic relationship where we do the same for our partner with equal respect and enthusiasm. We should never put our partner down, especially in front of others and ditch the bickering.
Unfortunately, many people, both men and women, enter a relationship with the best intentions and then a few months down the road realize the relationship has changed and does not feel good any longer, but instead of leaving stay in a toxic relationship. In 2020, according to mentalhelp.net, 87% of men and women have experienced an emotionally abusive relationship. Identifying a toxic relationship can be difficult because the emotionally abusive person often uses gaslighting which makes the abused partner literally feel crazy. Sometimes it is more subtle like isolation or just nothing getting resolved in arguments. As a coach, I have heard women say they finally had the courage to leave a toxic relationship only to have people shame or blame them for being the one to break up the marriage. Little did people understand the silent abuse she had taken for years. So even if you are reading this and you are in a healthy relationship, please educate yourself and know the signs of a toxic relationship so that you can be an advocate for your friends.
13 Signs of a Toxic Relationship
Feels bad all the time
You avoid voicing your opinion because there is just no point
Effort is one sided
One person is “score keeper”
Physical, verbal, or emotional abuse
Passive aggressive behavior
Manipulation
Overly judgmental
Nothing gets resolved
Lack of privacy
Lack of respect for boundaries
Lies, deceit, lack of trust
Isolation
Before you think of leaving a toxic relationship it is very important to rebuild your self confidence. Most likely your partner has, on some level, broken you down, but YOU are not broken. Therapy, counseling, or coaching are very helpful in rebuilding your self esteem. Next, I strongly encourage a good support system of friends and or family. This can even be in the form of a support group on Facebook of other people who have been through a similar relationship. Support and connection are critical in overcoming toxic relationships and helping find strength in times of weakness. Then, prioritize yourself. You have probably been a people pleaser or self sacrificing. Get to know yourself. Spend time doing things you enjoy. Do not allow yourself to get drained. Then once you feel your energy start to rise, start asking yourself what stories keep repeating in your relationships? Then ask yourself what choices you are making that are contributing. This way you begin to take responsibility and you take your power back. You will begin to see how you will make different choices in the future to break the cycle. Next, it will be important to forgive your partner. This may be difficult and it may take time. You do not even need to voice the forgiveness to your partner, just give the gift of forgiveness to yourself so that you are free to move forward. Do not rush this step. Sometimes journalling helps. Until you are able to forgive, you will carry this into a future relationship though and the cycle of toxicity will continue. So, forgiveness is crucial. Harboring a grudge will only harm you.
Setting boundaries will protect you from being walked on by friends, family and in future relationships. Do not hesitate to set and keep firm boundaries. If someone does not respect your boundaries that is a sure sign they do not respect you. Next, do an inventory of what personal values are important to you. This will help prioritize what you want in life. And finally, Get clarity on what you really want. I want you to visualize every detail and dream really big. That beautiful clear picture is what you deserve.
How to Break Free From Toxic Relationships
Establish a strong support group
Stop Self Sacrificing
Rebuild your self esteem and confidence
Prioritize your self
Take responsibility
Forgive the past to make room for the future
Set boundaries
Do an inventory of personal values
Get clarity on what you really want in life
Some relationships can be saved and corrected with coaching or therapy and effort. But please know that not all relationships work out. No matter how much you love the person, if the relationship is extremely toxic, or if the if the other person is emotionally unavailable or abusive in any way, you cannot make the relationship healthy. It is ok to do what is best for yourself. Reclaim your life. In some cases you will not get the closure you may need. You may need to block that person completely and give yourself closure. Proceed slowly, forgive yourself, forgive your partner, and take the time you need to heal.
Love and hugs,
Libby
P.S. I would love to hear from you in the comments. I welcome your personal stories as well as your input. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. Wishing you love and light!