Redefining love…Happily Ever After…Separately
We always bond together in times of importance. Unfortunately we have lost two great men in our family this year- this past week we lost Stephen McAvoy who now watches over us from Heaven above.
When is it time to leave your marriage?
Many people feel trapped in unhappy marriages and making a decision to leave is never easy. No one starts out thinking they will end up divorced. It has a stigma attached that we associate with shame, guilt, and failure. Instead of looking at it as quitting, or giving up on your partner, try looking at it as surrendering to what is no longer working and realizing it is no longer healthy or what you thought it would be. The reality is, if the relationship is toxic you can no longer grow as an individual. The purpose of a relationship is to elevate us and help us become the best version of ourselves. When the relationship begins to drain our energy and drag us down it has a negative effect on us emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually.
Should I stay married for the sake of the kids?
Many people stay married until their kids are full grown thinking they are saving them from the emotional damage of divorce. If the children see mom and dad are not happy and healthy emotionally that can actually do more harm than good, particularly if they are subjected to emotional abuse, arguments and seeing one of their parents in tears often. We cannot tell our children to be happy and them show them something different. They learn by example. Happiness and love cannot be faked. You may be able to show them more love in fact, from two separate homes, if you divorce amicably and work together to co-parent. Think of divorcing not as a family parting ways, but as a family starting a new and exciting chapter together with a chance for everyone to start fresh.
Relationship Coaching is a great step to take before proceeding to divorce.
Deciding to end a marriage is a huge decision. I highly recommend coaching and or counseling before proceeding to that as a last resort. Accept the present moment free from resentment. In some cases, this may be difficult and may require a separation period to cool off before this is possible. Finally, accept your future relationship with your soon to be ex and what that will look like. If you have children you will always be in each other’s lives, your role will just need to shift. You will need to work together in the best interest of the children.
Someone once told me it is best to treat your spouse like a business partner during the uncoupling process of divorce. This was very savvy and helpful advice that I now pass along to you because emotions will inevitably run very high for both people at different times. Even if you were the one who initiated the divorce it will still bring tender moments, especially if you are compassionate and empathetic.
Dad’s tend to get called the “Disney Dad’s” because they often take the kids out on their weekends and spoil them. Mom’s tend to have to do more “policing”, but if you work well together you will support one another. My ex still calls our kids when they are out of line and backs me up by telling them to shape up. That really helps me. Not that I can’t handle it, but it lets the kids know they cannot play us against each other to get what they want. And it also reinforces the respect to keep things as stable as it would had we all been under one roof.
Take space when you need to and surrender the need to control. Remember, trust your partner with your children. You still need to work as a team when it comes to parenting. Even if you keep conversation minimal at first. If the children are old enough you can even communicate pick up and drop off times through them if that is agreed upon. Keep in mind, the children just want to feel secure and loved. After all, they were not responsible for why your marriage did not work.
It took my ex and me about a year after our amicable divorce/dissolution before we could spend holidays together. We both needed time to heal. In fact, he resented me for choosing to end the marriage. He even thought I had turned our daughter against him. That was his ego working against him, and not the true reality. I tell you this openly so you know to watch out for this as an example of self-deceptive thoughts that can easily happen when you are in the fight or flight response. When I was later texting and calling him literally encouraging him to take both kids to do things he realized the truth of what was happening. He actually later had a conversation and apologized to our daughter for being absent in her life for so long.
I would never keep our kids from him. He is a great dad and a great man. We just did not have enough common interests and our love languages did not work well together. In fact, he summed it up in the end by saying, “I get it, you have grown exponentially, and I am exactly the same as when we got married. And both are OK.” From that point forward we both knew we still had a great love and respect for each other, it had just shifted into new roles. We now try to get together on Christmas morning as a whole family and funerals. Eventually there will be weddings and other events. We do not socialize together, but we do the big stuff together and when our kids are sick or in the hospital we work together as a team. I am incredibly grateful for that. It makes my life more peaceful and I can see the appreciation it brings our families, both immediate and extended.
Forget about what anyone else thinks, live in alignment with your authentic life and redefine love.
Forget what everyone else says. No one else is YOU. No one else knows what is best for you. Let them gossip. If it upsets your new relationship, let the new relationship go. Your personal growth and self-realization come first and your kids come next. If that new person loves you they should understand the new role your ex plays and be grateful for that. It is rare and should be respected and appreciated. Boundaries should be respected of course. As Danny Morel said, “Divorce doesn’t have to mean a broken family…it can mean a love like never before. It is your choice.” It is all about acceptance, awareness, and attitude. You have to do what is right for you and follow your arrow to happiness. We cannot live our lives trying to please others or stay married for the church or any other reason that doesn’t feel right and true. We have to live in alignment with our authentic voice. Sometimes as we change and grow we outgrow our partners and simply need to move forward, forgive, both ourselves and others, and continue to love in a different way.
I hope this provides a new perspective and light on how divorce can go. To me, perspective and mindset are everything. Changing a negative into a positive is so important in the spirit of manifesting abundance in our lives. Our thoughts determine our outcomes. So imagine and visualize your future exactly as you wish it to be in vivid detail. That is the first step to manifesting your dreams. And then put those desires into loving action. Please do not wait until resentment builds to make your desired changes.
Wishing you all the best in life and in love.
Libby
P.S. If you would like help either saving your relationship or navigating through the changes of uncoupling, please reach out to me for Relationship Coaching. I would be happy to set up a complimentary call to see if we are a good fit for one another and see what exactly your needs are at this time. Thank you for taking the time stop by and read this blog. If you enjoyed it please scroll down under the last photo and click the heart to give it some love and if you know anyone going through a hard time in their marriage please share this. It is near and dear to my heart. Way too many people are suffering from holding grudges and anger. It doesn’t have to be that way.
I was so happy to see all of my nieces and nephews. There is always a silver lining and in a funeral it is the family reunion. I am so proud of all these young, beautiful, talented, fun souls!