How to Admit You are Stuck in an Unhealthy Relationship

One way to know if you are stuck in an unhealthy or toxic relationship, is if it is costing you other important relationships.
You need to really be able to step back and evaluate your friendships and other family relationships. Are you being isolated? Are you being talked down to or manipulated. Truly listen to your loved ones because sometimes they need to be your voice of reason when your mind has been so manipulated by the person you love.

Often, the person we think loves us, is emotionally abusing us. Sometimes, they are not even aware because they are covert narcissistic. And other times they are aware and are narcissistic and want to control or manipulate the situation. Either way, it is unhealthy. Especially, in the case where children are involved and neglected as a result of being squeezed out of the relationship altogether. It is terribly heartbreaking to watch. Yet, sooo many people endure it. It is more common than one would imagine.

I would just encourage all of you, as my friends and readers, to please be aware of the signs of both emotional abuse and of covert narcissistic tendencies. Emotional abuse is equally as harmful as physical abuse, and although we do not see the wounds, the light in the soul is dimmed each time and the self esteem is deeply damaged. Those wounds go far beneath the surface.

We can ALWAYS change and reinvent our lives. I am living proof. So please, if you see a friend or family member silently suffering- offer to help by listening to her story, maybe offer to help find her a good therapist. Most of all, let her know she does not have to stay in that situation. I think personally most women sadly feel stuck financially. But, I can tell you it is very liberating once you realize you really CAN make it on your own. So, I hope my list of ways to Level Up in 2021 will help inspire a few people to take a leap of faith and truly improve your life. You deserve to be happy and free! And if you feel confused- you are not happy and not with the right person! You are being manipulated.
Peace & Light,

Libby

How to Practice Empathetic Listening to Strengthen Relationships

Do you practice empathetic listening in your relationship?

Communication is a critical component in successful relationships.

The thing is you do not necessarily have to be a good communicator, you just need to be kind, caring, and willing to try! Showing your partner you can actively listen with understanding and patience and that you truly care about what they are saying will go a long way. There may even be times when you do not understand and you disagree, but you can feel where they are coming from and still listen with empathy.

Remember, you are always in the foxhole with your partner. You always have their back. Stay grateful for one another and show that gratitude daily in simple ways. When you disagree do so in a way that is still respectful and does not hurt anyone’s feelings. Words can be forgiven, but not often forgotten.

Empathetic Listening:

1. Listen to understand- Know that this is not about YOU. Listen purposefully. Try to understand what is being said and not just what is relevant to you. Repeat back what was said paraphrasing what you heard to be sure you understood. Give your partner the chance to clarify if you missed anything. If at anytime in conversation you feel triggered by a negative feeling or emotion, try to stay present in the conversation, and focus on listening. Call a respectful time out if it gets to the point where you can no longer focus your attention.

2. Ask open ended questions- avoid providing solutions. Sometimes people just want to talk to clear their mind and are not looking for answers. Instead, show interest by gathering more information. Ask relevant questions, keeping the discussion about the idea or issue at hand.

3. Avoid distractions- put phones and computers away before starting the conversation. Turn the T.V. And music off. Give your full attention. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason. If you get distracted by other thoughts bring your awareness back to the present conversation.

4. Practice Non-Judgement- watch for preconceived ideas about the topic being discussed and never criticize. Remember, you are on the same team.

5. Watch Non Verbal Communication- much of what we say is through body language and tone of voice. Be sure to sit in a relaxed way with fists and hands relaxed. Try to talk in slow calm tones so that the information can be better perceived. Eye contact can be very helpful in facilitating a deeper connection. Please do not try to guess or jump ahead to what your partner is going to try to say no matter how well you feel you can finish his or her sentence.
   

When we talk about empathetic communication it is important to know it applies to all relationships, not just romantic ones. So, when you gather with family over the holidays remember to embrace these five tips- especially if it is a story you may have heard for the umpteenth time!

Thank you for reading and listening to my thoughts. Stay warm and bright!

Light & Love,

Libby

Signs of Toxic Relationships and How to Break Free

Identifying Toxic Relationships and Knowing When to Leave

Relationships can be fantastic when they are healthy, but unfortunately we are seeing a trend where over half of long term relationships today are toxic. Sometimes people carry unhealed wounds from their past that continue to project pain. Sometimes the problems stem from the fact that the relationship was entered into before one or both of the individuals loved and accepted themselves. As a relationship coach, I believe it all begins with awareness. Then, we must love and accept ourselves before we can love and be fully loved by another. No one is going to complete us or be our other half. Happiness is an inside job. However, A relationship is intended to help us grow into the best version of ourselves. The person we choose to spend our life with should be someone who allows us to make mistakes, who forgives us when we mess up because we will, and who accepts us the way we are. They should make us feel safe as we continue to learn, respect and encourage us to keep expanding, and love us free from expectations. They should be our biggest cheerleader and our most gentle critic. Likewise, it should be a symbiotic relationship where we do the same for our partner with equal respect and enthusiasm. We should never put our partner down, especially in front of others and ditch the bickering.

Unfortunately, many people, both men and women, enter a relationship with the best intentions and then a few months down the road realize the relationship has changed and does not feel good any longer, but instead of leaving stay in a toxic relationship. In 2020, according to mentalhelp.net, 87% of men and women have experienced an emotionally abusive relationship. Identifying a toxic relationship can be difficult because the emotionally abusive person often uses gaslighting which makes the abused partner literally feel crazy. Sometimes it is more subtle like isolation or just nothing getting resolved in arguments. As a coach, I have heard women say they finally had the courage to leave a toxic relationship only to have people shame or blame them for being the one to break up the marriage. Little did people understand the silent abuse she had taken for years. So even if you are reading this and you are in a healthy relationship, please educate yourself and know the signs of a toxic relationship so that you can be an advocate for your friends. 

13 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

1. Feels bad all the time

2. You avoid voicing your opinion because there is just no point

3. Effort is one sided

4. One person is “score keeper”

5. Physical, verbal, or emotional abuse

6. Passive aggressive behavior

7. Manipulation

8. Overly judgmental

9. Nothing gets resolved

10. Lack of privacy

11. Lack of respect for boundaries

12. Lies, deceit, lack of trust

13. Isolation

Before you think of leaving a toxic relationship it is very important to rebuild your self confidence. Most likely your partner has, on some level, broken you down, but YOU are not broken. Therapy, counseling, or coaching are very helpful in rebuilding your self esteem. Next, I strongly encourage a good support system of friends and or family. This can even be in the form of a support group on Facebook of other people who have been through a similar relationship. Support and connection are critical in overcoming toxic relationships and helping find strength in times of weakness. Then, prioritize yourself. You have probably been a people pleaser or self sacrificing. Get to know yourself. Spend time doing things you enjoy. Do not allow yourself to get drained. Then once you feel your energy start to rise, start asking yourself what stories keep repeating in your relationships? Then ask yourself what choices you are making that are contributing. This way you begin to take responsibility and you take your power back. You will begin to see how you will make different choices in the future to break the cycle. Next, it will be important to forgive your partner. This may be difficult and it may take time. You do not even need to voice the forgiveness to your partner, just give the gift of forgiveness to yourself so that you are free to move forward. Do not rush this step. Sometimes journalling helps. Until you are able to forgive, you will carry this into a future relationship though and the cycle of toxicity will continue. So, forgiveness is crucial. Harboring a grudge will only harm you. 

Setting boundaries will protect you from being walked on by friends, family and in future relationships. Do not hesitate to set and keep firm boundaries. If someone does not respect your boundaries that is a sure sign they do not respect you. Next, do an inventory of what personal values are important to you. This will help prioritize what you want in life. And finally, Get clarity on what you really want. I want you to visualize every detail and dream really big. That beautiful clear picture is what you deserve. 

How to Break Free From Toxic Relationships

• Establish a strong support group 

• Stop Self Sacrificing

• Rebuild your self esteem and confidence

• Prioritize your self

• Take responsibility

• Forgive the past to make room for the future

• Set boundaries

• Do an inventory of personal values

• Get clarity on what you really want in life 

Some relationships can be saved and corrected with coaching or therapy and effort. But please know that not all relationships work out. No matter how much you love the person, if the relationship is extremely toxic, or if the if the other person is emotionally unavailable or abusive in any way, you cannot make the relationship healthy. It is ok to do what is best for yourself. Reclaim your life. In some cases you will not get the closure you may need. You may need to block that person completely and give yourself closure. Proceed slowly, forgive yourself, forgive your partner, and take the time you need to heal. 

Love and hugs,

Libby

P.S. I would love to hear from you in the comments. I welcome your personal stories as well as your input. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog. Wishing you love and light!

Find Your Freedom, Spread Your Wings, and Fly Like an Eagle

Find Your Freedom & Spread Your Wings

Do you feel called to make a major change in your life? Fall is a great time to let go of what no longer serves us and to prepare for what is coming. Maybe you feel your relationship is coming to an end but you are afraid to take that final stand and break up. The thought of being on your own can be scary and down right daunting. All great changes are superseded by chaos. Give yourself permission to take your life back. If you are not living the life you had dreamed then stop where you are, hit the pause button, and recreate it. When you hold a vision of your goals, you set an intention, and the timing is right, go for it without hesitation. The majestic Bald Eagle symbolizes loyalty, devotion, freedom, truth, and the divine. You deserve all of these wonderful qualities and they have been deep within you all along. You deserve to spread your wings and soar with ease and freedom just like the eagle, but sometimes you just need to step out from where you currently are and take a look at your life from a different perspective. Never let anyone hold you back from achieving your greatest good.

The Eagle symbolizes man’s connection with the divine because it flies higher than any other bird. It signifies inspiration and the release from bondage and all that holds us down. It is a sure sign of victory and freedom. But the eagle also reminds us that no bird can stay in the air forever. They must come back to earth. The eagle has four toes. In numerology, 4 is the number of solid foundations. By returning to earth the eagle stays grounded with Mother Earth and when he soars he returns to the heavens above. Therefore, he maintains his ability to fly high and yet stay grounded. As above, so below. A great reminder of our connection with all things, our oneness with the universe.  

In many ways, the idea of the eagle soaring above reminds me of my dream world and all the magical possibilities that I hope will someday come true. The grounded nature of the eagle reminds me of my current real world which fortunately for me is not all that bad. But, its always good and great fun to dream bigger and to hope for more, that is what keeps us going and gives us motivation, right? And for some of us more than others. In another way, the eagle soaring high symbolizes breaking the bondage of all that held me down previously where I am now able to soar freely and fly effortlessly. Many years ago, when I was in a very unhappy toxic relationship and feeling stuck. I could not even put my finger on what was really wrong. Now that I am on the other side it is very clear that I was being emotionally manipulated and abused and it was so slight and often behind closed doors that it took a very long time for others to finally notice. It took even longer for me to finally wake up and realize what was happening and gain the strength to take my power back. My spirit was being broken and dimmed with each insult, each lie, and each time I told a story that was made fun of, or when I was talking and he would just walk out of the room completely disrespecting what I was saying. I finally gained the courage and left that relationship and I am now that eagle soaring free and I feel connected with the divine within me. Now that I am on the other side I am able to see clearly and it makes me sad when I see others in abusive relationships. All I can do is create awareness in others because each individual has to take their power back and do the work themselves. This is now my life mission. I want to empower others to give themselves permission to take their lives back. To create the life they love and to let their light shine bright.

October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month. 

Domestic Abuse includes physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. If you feel anyone you know is being abused offer a helping hand and a listening ear. It is a terrible battle and it is very hard to talk about and come forward with. I know because I lived it. But once we bring darkness into the light it can no longer hurt us. If you need help call 1-800-799-7233. With COVID 19 Domestic Violence cases sadly are even higher than usual. As of April 18, 2020 there were 690,714 reported cases and 35,443 deaths in the US. 1 in 4 women are the victim of severe physical violence and almost half of all women and men have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner according to the Domestic Violence Hotline. THIS IS A MAJOR PROBLEM!

So take the lessons from the eagle. Save your energy when you can. Hone in on the vision you want to create for your future. The eagle has a great sense of timing and you want to mimic that. Put your heart and mind into your vision and you will fly high into your wildest dreams. Just as the eagle, you will tune into your golden opportunities and grab them while they are within reach. Do not waste your time on people or things that do not bring you closer to your goals or make you a stronger better person. No one will complete us the way that movies romanticize. Relationships should increase our mental and emotional well being though. Relationships are intended to help us grow into the best version of ourselves. They hold a mirror up to the best and worst parts of us so that we can grow and evolve. They are intended to be accepting, trusting, and respectful partnerships.

7 Highly Effective Habits of Eagles

1. Eagles flock together

2. Eagles have a strong vision

3. Eagles do not eat dead things 

4. Eagles Love the storm. Other birds flee, but eagles fly into it using the wind to rise higher

5. Eagles test before trust in

6. Eagles Train their children to maturity

7. Eagles retire until new feathers grow

*PLEASE TAKE A MINUTE TO WATCH THE FOLLOWING YOUTUBE VIDEO WHICH WILL HELP DEEPEN YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF THESE EFFECTIVE HABITS. IT IS VERY INSPIRATIONAL.

The Truth Will Set You Free

Freedom begins in the mind. Do not get shackled by fear, or by pain, or shame from the past. Do not settle for a limited life. You were designed to soar high and fly free. Sometimes responsibility may feel like it weighs us down but the eagle being monogamous, loyal, and truthful, reminds us that when we live in truth we have the power to soar higher than we ever could have imagined. 

To live in truth not only means to speak honestly, but also not to be delusional about who we are as individuals, or in regard to relationships. It is very important to be honest with ourselves and to know when our significant other may no longer be treating us with the respect we deserve. We have to stand up for ourselves. Sometimes the relationship can be saved and that is extremely admirable. But, in the case of emotional abuse it rarely can and you have to stand up for yourself because the abusive person will rarely change. So, take your power back and know your worth. Seek counseling to build your own esteem back up and rebuild your independence. Just like the eagle you are one with the divine and you are strong and courageous. You will soar once your words and actions are in alignment and you are living your truth. You will be free and travel far with a soul full of light and a heart full of love. And, when you are ready, you will find a companion that is worthy of your divine glory and partnership.

With Open Wings,

Libby