How Healthy is Your Relationship?
Struggling relationships have become a very common thing in todays modern world. Cheating, lies, deceit, betrayal, manipulation, verbal, physical and emotional abuse, co-dependency, people looking for the other person to complete them which is simply not possible, and many other problems contribute to the turmoil in relationships. I am certain none of us want to fail our significant other so why are so many relationships struggling and falling apart?
Sexual Freedom
The revolution of the 60’s brought sexual freedom that forever changed the dating scene. Sex before marriage was no longer taboo and there were no longer rules for dating. Then in the 90’s dating websites entered the picture. Now, between social media, Tinder, Bumble, Plenty of Fish, and all the other sites we are engulfed in a culture of hook ups, temptations, one night stands and people who are jaded by past break ups, parents who suffered bad marriages and insecurities. You might have a great relationship and still have some mild paranoia and trust issues.
Are you Being Emotionally Abused?
We should always treat our significant other with honesty, loyalty, and respect. If your loved one starts talking down to you or disrespecting you in anyway that is unacceptable. Our partner should never parent us, shame us, put us down, belittle us, or make us feel as if we cannot do anything right. The purpose of a relationship is to elevate each other so that we can reach our highest potential. Hurt people hurt people. In some cases there is an underlying psychological problem such as narcissism. In the case where the abuser was abused as a child that deep wound often surfaces as them being abusive. They can seek help through therapy and anger management, but it takes very deep inner work and few are committed to doing it because it reopens painful wounds. Sometimes, as hard as it is, you have to walk away, have zero contact and never look back because that is the only way to take your power back and stop the person from crushing your soul.
Emotional abuse is equally as damaging as physical abuse even though the wounds are not visible on the outside. It damages the soul, breaks down our confidence and self esteem, and makes us feel shamed. Sometimes the verbal and emotional abuse are obvious, but other times they are more subtle and manipulative and it may take you time to realize what is happening. If they gaslight you you may even feel crazy. If you recognize any of these traits in your relationship it would benefit you to seek therapy or counseling to rebuild your confidence. Then, spend time alone relearning who you are and doing things you enjoy. Finally, find a group of positive supportive people to surround yourself with who can inspire you and support you.
How to Find the Right Person
With so much skepticism it is difficult to date. I talk to so many people who feel like marriage is horrible and love is hopeless. I will tell you from the bottom of my heart, I believe marriage can be the most wonderful union of two people. Maybe it takes two or even three tries to get it right, but I know I am not going to give up. I just know a lot more about what I am doing at 45 than I did at 21 that is for sure and I know far more about who I am as an individual. There are plenty of great men and women out there who still desire a respectful committed relationship. After spending some time alone take it slow. Be friends with someone first. Look for any red flags before taking it to a physical level. Set boundaries and communicate those and then be ready to walk away if they are violated. Be sure you can laugh and have fun with this person and they can regulate their emotions. Be sure you share the same values and visions in life. Look for someone who will have compassion for you and a willingness to work through problems and admit to mistakes. Remember, the purpose of a relationship is to help you reach your full potential in life.
There is no reason to get ugly and burn bridges.
When the Relationship has Fizzled; letting go with grace
When you feel like the relationship has fizzled out have the decency and respect to communicate with your significant other. Do not stay and build resentment in a relationship where you no longer desire to be. The worst is finding out through someone else that your significant other is with someone else. Yes, it happens all the time. Do not complicate things more by cheating. Honesty is the best policy. It may hurt up front, but it will make healing easier than betrayal. Both people ultimately deserve to be happy. Likewise, if and when it ends do not hold grudges and smear your ex’s name around and tell all the dirty secrets of your relationship. Let go with dignity and remember the admiration you had in the beginning. When you hold a grudge it only hurts yourself. Give yourself permission to forgive yourself and your ex when you are ready so that you can move forward and create space in your heart for whatever is coming your way.
Love & Light,
Libby
P.S. I have started writing on Quora and would love for you to follow Level up in Life there. There are many other inspiring writers that share their stories on relationships as well as how to reduce stress on my page.